Dear Michelle,
While your 20s were masked with blind optimism, your 30s will have you believe that staying married to the same person is the exception, not the rule.
Taking a vow to be together forever with someone at 25 is (in hindsight) crazy. The thought of staying with the same person until you're 75 is downright WILD.
Over the next 10 years, the world around you will play out like this: cheating, betraying, leaving, divorcing. These not-so-perfect-endings will convince you that the path of life isn't the straight line you anticipated it to be.
Listen, there's not one person who can give you everything you'll ever need. No one and nothing is ever perfect. We are all a work in progress. And when you're balls deep, ask yourself: is this a love story or a life story? After the fire goes out (and it will), the answer to this will keep things burning.
But my best relationship advice? Be by yourself for as long as you can. Being single is underrated. Get whatever it is out of your system - sex, lust, drugs, travel, greed, pride, whatever. Do get married. Don't get married. But be committed - it's one of the most courageous things you can ever shoot for. Love heals brokenness but only fools rush in. It's no one else's timeline but yours. Trust that what is meant for you will arrive on time.
In the next few yours, you'll start your own business, have kids, pick up hobbies and meet some incredible people. All of these things will change you and challenge you. On the home stretch, you'll finally have the career and the title you've always dreamt of.
But you'll have to go through some of the hardest times in your life before you realise why diamonds are created under pressure.
For most of your 30s, you'll be deep in the trenches raising your children. You'll have two birth experiences you didn't want. You'll be tempted to pack your bags and leave the person you have become for a whole different place and whole different self.
Spending time with your kids will be one of your greatest joys, but so will spending time away from them. Do the latter often. Enough for you to remember that you're still 'Michelle' and not just 'mum'.
Only then will you start to uncover your true self - the one you’ve buried beneath other people’s needs.
How you were raised will teach you how you don't want to raise your own children and you'll be determined to become the parent you wished you had. And needed. It will take you six years and a lot of therapy to love being a mother - flaws and all. I love that I can tell you right now that you will eventually feel this deep sense of contentment and accomplishment in your bones. One of the best feelings in the world is knowing your presence and absence both mean something to someone - and only your children will be able to make you see this. So keep going.
Going back to work full-time as a mother will literally nearly kill you. Don't do it. And not because you're a 'bad mum' for not being at home with the kids; but because life is more than chasing a cubicle job. Having said that, once you reprise your role as a 'working mum', life - in a way - becomes easier; you'll be able to discern between what's important and what's not.
One of your most decade-defining moments will come in your mid-30s:
Small observations like a lump in your throat that wasn't there before will send you into a spiral. Driving your four year old home from school, hands shaking at the wheel, just making it home in time, and convulsing in a panic attack. It will one of the scariest experiences you'll ever have in your life.
As anxiety takes hold, you'll hit rock bottom. You'll be in parking lots struggling to catch your breath. You'll be overcome with an unshakable numbness, gasping for air, while your children play downstairs. Once you've cast aside the shame and guilt, reaching out for help will be the single greatest thing you'll do this decade. With a lot of help and a little less self-sabotaging, trust you'll see the light and learn to just let it all go.
And this is when the second stage of your life begins.
They say a ship is safest in the harbour, but that's not what ships are made for.
There's this thing about the 'comfort zone'. All of these experiences up until now will drive you to become a better version of yourself. How? You'll start to seek out experiences that scare you (after all, if you can get through an anxiety attack, you can bet you can get through anything). In seeking discomfort, you'll begin to unveil another layer to yourself: your true self.
And you'll leave the harbour a bit wiser, a lot greyer, a little more reckless, but proud of the person you've become. You'll let go of people and a past that no longer serves you. Care too much about what others think and you'll always be their prisoner.
People you've known and loved for a long time will leave you. And sometimes you won't know why. Let it hurt for a moment, but let it be the impetus for moving forward - even if it means leaving a part of you behind. Because for every one person who doesn’t value you - there are tons more waiting to love and treat you better.
You'll sit with some deep grief in your early 30s. And - in a cruel twist of fate - you will have life in your belly each time. Here, you'll learn two important lessons: life isn't fair; and tomorrow is never guaranteed.
On the cusp of 39, you'll earn an unflinching confidence and it will be the greatest gift that your 30s will give you. The emotional maturity that comes with growing old is something you'll be thankful for. It will lead you out of the darkness and into the sunshine.
Even though you'll lose your way for most of this decade, if you stay the course for long enough, you'll find yourself back on the path you were meant to be on. You'll constantly feel either on top of the world, or under it. That's a given. But for as long as life is trying to teach you something, go into this with your heart and mind wide open.
Albert Einstein once said, "There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Remember: if you're not having fun, you're doing it wrong.
Look forward, not back.
Good luck.
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