It is the middle of January, two thousand and sixteen.
At 33 weeks pregnant, you swear black and blue you're never ever gonna be pregnant again in the middle of summer. Don't worry - the heat won't last forever, and all of your shoes will fit again.
You say you can't imagine being a mum to a boy. You never want to admit this - even to yourself - but deep down, you wanted a little girl. It doesn’t help that you're struggling to find a name for him (though you will be thankful you decided against something ‘unique’. Or weird.). You say you don't know sport, trains, trucks.
But the moment ‘Poppy’ arrives into this world, you know exactly what his new name will be, everything will seem as if it was meant to be, and you won't be able to imagine life any other way - or without Finn in it.
You're terrified about labour. About the pain. But mostly about being out of control. About not knowing the when, where, how, why. I don't need to remind you to bank that sleep (unfortunately, Finn won't be the perfect little sleeper you had hoped for. Sorry.). Your delivery won't go as you had planned or imagined. But your chubby baby will arrive perfectly healthy, breastfeeding will be a breeze, and that 9cm scar below your abdomen will forever remind you of the happiest day of your life.
Because you won’t know this now, but your greatest challenges still lie ahead of you and it will have nothing to do with how you look, but everything to do with how new motherhood will make you feel.
Clusterfeeding will break you. Finn's brochiolitis at 18 weeks old will, too (baby's first colds are a bitch). Surviving on 2-3 hours' sleep each night for 6 months straight will convince you that Finn is destined to be an only child. But the hardest part you will find about becoming a mother is being out of control. You see, the thing about parenthood is that it reveals and amplifies one's true personality traits (like getting drunk, really. Not that you will know for a while - you won’t have a glass of wine for 18 months).
You will become even more of a control freak. You will fear failure like never before. You will worry. And you will slide into the outskirts of post-natal depression because you can't handle being out of control and the simple fact that things do not go according to plan, no matter how hard you try. Some days you will feel like leaving everything behind and never returning because you can't do this. You start to become the kind of parent you never wanted to be.
Your first year of motherhood will be a constant work in progress.
But know that that's okay. Things won't get easier, but trust me, they will get so much better.
The thought of Mothers Group gives you anxiety. You're thinking it's not your jam. What's there to love about a group of mums outdoing each other with their prams and comparing baby milestones while making awkward small talk? You think you’re too good (and busy) for it. Plus, you have friends with bubs. Right?
You will miss out on your allocated group because of this, but after a little convincing from the MCHN, you decide to turn up to the next month's meeting (it's no coincidence Finn is the oldest baby there). And it will blindside you. It'll become the one thing you look forward to each week. The other mums will become some of the most genuine, friendliest and loveliest people you will ever meet. Instead of competitiveness and small talk, there will be support and solidarity.
And you realise that by just turning up, you had nothing to lose but everything to gain.
Before I wrap this up, there are a few things you must know:
Your marriage will change but with work and commitment, it will be stronger than ever. Don't neglect each other. Remember that Love is the reason why.
You can't wait to move out of mum and dad's right now, but you'll soon realise mum will be your biggest support and Finn will reveal a side to your dad that you've never, ever seen before. One of your greatest joys will be looking over the shoulder to see Finn's face completely light up as you're pulling into your parent's driveway.
Most days you will look at your life and wonder what you did to deserve everything right there in front of you. The days will be long but the months and years will be short. Babies are cute and confusing. Parenthood is a paradox.
As I sit here writing this, we are 5 weeks away from celebrating Finn's first birthday. The first 12 months of becoming a parent will be hard. You will cry over things like leaking breast milk all over the bed for the umpteenth time, to leaving Finn to cry alone in his cot in the dark, and choosing not to do anything about it (except that you are - Sleep Training is heartbreaking but hang in there).
You will constantly think, I can't do this. Why I can't fix this. When will it get easier? But what if I told you, you will miss the carrier naps. The cluster feeding. The clingyness. The not-yet-crawling-stage. The long walks just to get him to sleep. Those afternoons the two of you will spend snuggled together nursing, sleeping, nursing, sleeping.
You will forget the hard. But the good? This will stay with you forever.
That first time he smiles at you. When he waves goodbye after you ask him to. When he looks at you like you're the best - and the only one - in the world.
You will be tired - more tired than you've ever been; but you will be happy. The happiest you have ever truly been.
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